“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.”
― Amy Bloom
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”
― Sharon Salzberg
“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”
― Marilyn Monroe
Anna Carson shares 3 ways to practice Radical Self-Acceptance (how to remove negativity in our mind about who we believe we are, and how we look, and instead have a more positive outlook). She shares her thoughts on small things we could do in our daily lives to accept ourselves as we are.
We modern American women live in a media-driven, appearance-obsessed, highly competitive world. Visual reminders of “the elite” are a pop-culture mainstay, from the perfectly put together starlet on your computer news page, to the supremely trim young athletic woman advertising the latest body-sculpting exercise equipment on TV, (all “after” photos, obviously). Even the sanitized, no-fat female mannequins in store front windows silently mock the reality of what WE look like. Or, more importantly, what we BELIEVE we look like.
As if that weren’t enough, many of us carry the subconscious negatives of being taught body-shame in early childhood, ongoing bullying in grade school, and the angst-laden teenage trauma of “not fitting in,” compounded by the rejection residue of failed relationships.
Is it any wonder that American women are so self-critical that record high levels of eating disorders, substance abuse and compulsive disorders such as work-addiction are reaching critical levels in public health circles?
Ladies, what we need is a total belief re-set from the inside out called RADICAL SELF-ACCEPTANCE.
Even If you think this is easier said than done, read on. De-programming a negative belief and replacing it with a positive one is simply a matter of changing your habits. Let’s keep it light and fun; there’s enough serious stuff out there already. This is YOU we’re talking about, and YOU deserve a little TLC.
1. Find a model
That is, someone who models joy and confidence in spite of physical imperfections. This may be an obese check-out lady at the grocery store, who is so kind and personable you don’t want to leave her line, or a teen with severe acne who seeks out opportunities to tutor his peers in any subject. Take notes. Self-accepting attitudes are catching.
When our children were young, one of our favorite babysitters was a young woman with advanced neurofibromatosis, which covered her entire body with disfiguring tumors. The kids loved her because she radiated love and warmth. I can’t remember a time when they ever asked why her appearance was so different; she was just Raquel, and she was wonderful. I was aware that she carried emotional pain from loneliness and rejection, but I also observed that she eased her inner pain through unselfconscious personal service. She would always do more than I expected as a babysitter. “I finished washing the dishes – thought you might like that,” she would quip when I returned home. As if caring for four active little girls wasn’t enough! In spite of her unusual appearance, she was comfortable being herself. I got the message. Thank you, Raquel!
2. Gratitude rescue
I found a space in the zoo parking lot, pulled in and stopped the car. I opened the driver’s side door. I reached into the back seat and pulled one crutch out, dragged it across my body and balanced it against the inside of the door. Ditto the other crutch. Then I stowed my drink in the small backpack, put it on by leaning forward against the steering wheel, put on my hat, and hoisted myself out of the car. A sudden wave of resentment washed over me. “Why does everything I do take so LONG!”
Whoa, gratitude re-set time!
As I put one arm in each crutch and lock the door, I begin my mantra:
“I’m so glad I can drive a car, I’m so glad I can easily walk the hills and 400-stair tower at the zoo, I’m so glad I look good today, I’m so glad I weigh less now than before I had five kids, I’m so glad my husband thinks I’m really hot-looking.”
People walking by are doing surreptitious double-takes at the lady on crutches who is talking to herself. I shut the door and start walking toward the zoo entrance.
“I’m so glad I got straight A’s in Junior High School. I’m so glad the sky is blue, I’m so glad my children survived being raised by me.” Then I start laughing. The heaviness of resentment is gone, and I feel totally GREAT! Here’s why: laughing produces endorphins (the feel-good hormones) that complete the gratitude re-set. Gratitude equals self-acceptance.
Make sure a few of your gratitude statements are funny, because laughing out loud physiologically anchors your attitude re-set.
3. Study Beauty
Fitness and beauty are more a result of personal habits than genetics or “luck.”
Even when we carry heavy burdens of deformity, homeliness, inner broken-ness and emotional pain, we can learn self-acceptance by actively participating in inspired self-improvement and self-care.
Imagine purchasing beautiful flowers to give to someone special. Imagine walking into that person’s house, carelessly tossing the flowers on their dining room table, then saying, “These are for you. Aren’t they beautiful?” Your intended recipient would probably hesitate, then cautiously say, “I’m…sure they are. Uh, thank you.”
Don’t we sometimes go about life carelessly tossing pieces of ourselves away like unarranged flowers; not looking in the mirror, not investing any energy or time in our health, beauty, or fitness? A woman’s appearance is her gift to the world. Put those flowers in a beautiful vase, add a bow and go out and shine. No one is stuck with anything that cannot be improved. Working on ourselves is the ultimate tool in RADICAL SELF-ACCEPTANCE.
Be open to learning the science of beauty. Find a program that reveals exactly your hard-wired core style in skin tone, personality, clothing, make up, shoes – everything. No guess work here, and nowhere to go but UP. It is great fun to become who you really are.
Featured Image Credit: Annie Spratt (Unsplash)
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