Counselor and Meditation teacher, James Henson, discusses the consistent problems he’s seen in marriages and relationships. He suggests 6 Simple Ways to Improve Relationships.
I’ve been a therapist for close to 10 years now. While it’s never been my focus, I’ve done quite a bit of couples and marital counseling in that time. A few things have jumped out at me as consistent problems in marriages and long-term relationships. Here are 6 simple ways to improve your relationship.
1. Don’t Criticize
Criticism is easy, and for many of us, it’s natural. We get a certain sense of accomplishment and validation by pointing out what’s wrong with a person or situation. In an imperfect world, noticing what’s wrong is a lot easier than noticing what’s right.
The problem is that this is also corrosive to the foundations of our relationships with other people.
Nobody likes criticism, and this is especially true when it comes to the people we are closest to. The things we say cut a little bit deeper when we say them to our spouses or long-term partners. This is a habit that has to change if you want your relationship to survive.
Pro tip: some of the worst criticism comes in the form of unrequested advice. Avoid it.
2. Negative Attribution
There is a strange overlap between complacency and a sort of negative attribution bias that can emerge in relationships. We start to think that we know what the other person is going to do, and we often think we know why they do the things they do.
We have a negativity bias that serves a pretty important function when it comes to survival. Things that go right and the nice things people do for us will never bring us any harm, so we tend to focus on the things that go wrong or that we don’t like. This is important, so we’ll talk about it again in a minute.
This creates a toxic mix when we start to assume that we know what the other person is going to do, and that we know why they’re going to do it. It’s even worse when the negativity bias comes into play.
This is where a drawer left open or underwear on the floor becomes proof that our partner is a lazy jerk who doesn’t care about all the work I do. It’s dangerous the way the mind can take these things and start spinning out stories about our partner if we aren’t careful.
3. Hush
“You can change your world by changing your words… Remember, death and life are in the power of the tongue.” – Joel Osteen
If I had to catalog all the trouble in my life, about 95% of it would be due to things that came out of my mouth.
We are often pretty quick to say something when someone makes a mistake or does something we don’t like. This is pretty deadly when we put it alongside the fact that we don’t tell them all the things they are doing well very often, if at all.
One of the cool things about being in a long-term relationship is the level of comfort that we can feel around another person. Like everything though, comfort can be a double-edged sword. If we get a little too comfortable criticizing what a person likes or how they spend their time, we can grind them down until they hate us.
We often don’t think before we open our mouths, even though we can’t take them back once we say them. It’s amazing how many problems will go away on their own if we don’t make them worse by running our mouths.
Just be quiet.
4. Catalog What They Do Right
Like we said, our brains are wired for survival. This makes us notice everything that’s going wrong. This is a bummer, but it makes sense because the things that are going right are rarely the things that might harm or kill us. However, for most of us, survival is rarely what we need to be most focused on.
Our negativity bias will cause us to think the dog coming down the street might bite us or the person in the parking garage might assault us. This all makes sense, and there’s nothing wrong with it in a survival context. Getting bitten by a dog or beaten up in a parking garage is not something that any of us want to happen.
The thing is, this same bias will make us think that someone is going to ask a question we can’t answer during our presentation or that the meeting our boss requested is because we’ve done something wrong and are going to get fired. These aren’t directly related to survival, but the negativity bias functions the same way.
When it comes to our relationships, this will create constant problems if we are not careful. The mind will notice every single thing our partner does wrong, while conveniently ignoring the number of things they do right. If your relationship is remotely healthy, the number of things they do right outnumbers the things they do wrong by a large margin.
So, we don’t want to shift our thinking to where we see everything as being sunshine and rainbows all the time. But, by being aware of our negativity bias, we can go out of our way to push back against it. Notice how the mind catalogs everything your partner does wrong. Then notice how everything shifts when you go out of your way to catalog everything they do right.
As I said, the number of things your partner is doing right will surprise you. They are definitely doing more things right than wrong. If this turns out not to be the case, there are much deeper problems in your relationship.
5. Remember, Nothing is Guaranteed
Relationships end every day. People are often blindsided by it.
I get it – this might sound morbid or defeatist, but I’m not telling you to remember this as a potential option for yourself. You married this person or got into a long-term relationship with them for a reason. You need to remember that they very well might leave you if you aren’t willing to change your behavior.
We often focus exclusively on the things the other person is doing wrong and the things we’re doing right. This pushes us to a place where we might not consider that we aren’t perfect. We can often take our partners for granted but remembering that they have exit power the same way we do can reframe this perspective.
I get it, not every relationship lasts, and even the longest of long-term relationships can fall apart. I do believe there is value in maintaining an awareness of this so that we don’t become complacent. Complacency is one of the worst curses on relationships, especially ones where the people have known each other for years or even decades.
Always remember that nothing is permanent and that things can change very quickly, even for you. We tend to value things more when we realize just how easy it is to lose them, and we need to apply this to our relationships.
6. Be Willing to Work
None of this is a magical cure-all or silver bullet of some kind. Long-term relationships take intentionality, and they take work. I don’t care what Hollywood movies and crappy romance novels tell us.
These ideas will help your relationship, but if the decline has gone on long enough, you may need to seek out professional help. A competent marriage counselor can help you turn things around if both of you are invested in saving the relationship.
You can’t expect perfection from yourself either. We all make mistakes. Little things like being hungry or not having slept well increase the chances of less-than-helpful behavior. None of us are perfect. Aim for diligence and consistency in changing the behaviors that aren’t helping your relationship, not perfection.
One last thought: some relationships cannot be saved, and not all relationships need to be saved. If you are experiencing pathological or abusive behavior from your partner, please consider leaving when it’s safe for you to do so. You deserve to be treated with love and
respect, don’t compromise on this.
Featured Image Credit: NeONBRAND (Unsplash)
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