Psychologist, Speaker and Best Selling Author Samantha Ruth shares five ways you can help someone who has lost a loved one heal.
“Grief is in two parts; the first is loss, the second is the remaking of life” – Anne Roiphe.
My grieving journey began less than four years ago after my husband unexpectedly passed away on what was otherwise an ordinary Wednesday. As a psychologist trained to deal with trauma and loss, there was certainly pressure to bounce back quickly.
That’s something that I not only could not do, it’s something I would not do. Because we have to feel our feelings. We have to “deal with it” so that it doesn’t resurface in unhealthy ways at other times in our lives.
And for me, that meant shutting out everyone else’s opinions and expectations and listening to my own voice. Here’s what I’ve learned so far on my journey: We need to heal our own way… and that’s different for each and every one of us.
And most times, we don’t even know what we need to heal from a traumatic loss; I certainly didn’t initially. But with the right support and guidance around us, we can remove the overwhelm, pressure, and judgment and be free to listen to our intuition…the absolute most important voice of all.
Do you have somebody in your life who has lost a loved one? You want to be there for them, but you’re worried about doing or saying the wrong thing? Here are five ways you can help someone in your life heal their own way.
Meet them where they are NOT where they used to be
Healing takes time, and some things take longer than others.
Let go of who they used to be.
Let go of any expectations.
Listen to where they are in this moment.
Don’t attempt to make sense of it.
Don’t take anything personally.
Adapt and find a way to meet them where they are.
For example, I’m the girl who never missed a football game or concert. And I had no desire to do these things for a long time after losing Jim. I could give you my reasons, but they’re not relevant. It doesn’t need to make sense to you, remember?
So imagine everyone’s surprise when I wasn’t at these events! Some people asked questions, added pressure, or laid on the guilt. Other people stayed silent and let their imaginations do the talking. And those who know me best met me where I was…. in a less social place with more desire to be outdoors. With my dog, Sassy, who was also grieving.
Eventually, I was more comfortable doing “Old Sam” activities, and there are some things I still haven’t returned to. Maybe I never will. I’m not that Sam anymore, just like your loved ones aren’t the same people they were before their loss.
Give them the space to heal their way.
Be understanding of their changing needs.
Don’t take it personally when they don’t come to events, reply to messages, or answer calls. Continue reaching out!
And be sure not to add pressure to be the person YOU want them to be. Let them know they’re accepted exactly as they are.
Understand that grief is invisible. Just because someone looks ok on the outside doesn’t mean that’s what they’re experiencing on the inside.
Understand that grief is always present, just in varying degrees.
Don’t minimize our pain or expect us “to get over it” in certain timeframes.
Allow us not to be ok. Allow us to feel our feelings, even if that makes you uncomfortable. Allow us to heal our own way, even when you don’t understand it.
After eight months without Jim, and without working, I decided to take a year off to work with Jack Canfield. Or should I say, another year. Without knowing what was next. This was out of character for me. I’m the girl who always had a plan.
Many judged, dismissed me completely, or tried to change my mind. Those who love me supported my decision even though they absolutely didn’t understand it. Mind you, neither did I. I was simply listening to my intuition – and I am SO glad that I did.
Do whatever you can to make things simple. “Do you need anything?” can be the most stressful question in the world. Instead, give choices. “Can I help with your laundry or with running an errand?”
When you are grieving, having one less thing to worry about makes a world of difference.
I felt like a child again. I felt like I had to learn absolutely everything all over again. So anything people did for me that didn’t require a decision from me was absolutely a gift.
Find ways to be supportive while understanding that decisions are the most complicated task for us. Help simplify them!
Understand that trauma changes our brains.
I thought I was going crazy. My memory. My concentration. Gone. But again, it’s invisible to others.
Understand that people won’t perform the way they did before their loss. Things may take longer. Things may need to be repeated more than once.
It’s completely overwhelming to us, so just recognize that we’re merely surviving and doing the best we can.
Don’t give up on us
Again, remember that just getting through the day is a challenge. There are things that sound great in the morning and by midday exhaustion takes over.
Understand that we might not attend events. We might leave early. We still need you.
Talking on the phone was seriously difficult for me the first year. The people who consistently reached out are my lifelines. Because plenty disappeared or expressed frustration with how or how long healing was taking me.
That only makes us feel worse. We’ve lost enough. We don’t need to lose any more. So be patient. Be aware that our life as we knew it is gone.
Grief is a very personal journey, but people don’t have to go through it alone. Help your friends and loved ones by offering support and encouragement, not frustration and judgment.
Please remember that your love, comfort, and support makes all the difference in the world. We might not say it enough, but we couldn’t get through this without you.
Featured Image Credit: Fred Kearney (Unsplash)
0 Comments