How to Self Care by Setting Boundaries and Creating Sacred Space

Mindlifespirit_Personal Development Setting Boundaries

Written by Kimberly Rosso

Kimberly is an LMSW, Certified Life Coach, and lifetime learner who lives in New York with her husband, son, and dog. She practices mindfulness daily and believes that meditation has greatly improved the quality of her life and relationships. She can most often be seen enjoying time with her family, immersing herself in spiritual and educational trainings, and connecting with others on their journey to self-improvement. Visit her at: Website Kimberlyrosso.com , Psychology Today

February 21, 2020

Self care is nourishment for the spirit. Here are some ways how to self care by setting healthy boundaries in relationships and creating sacred space.

“Invite your heart to open. Only then will you learn to accept all experiences with equanimity and kindness.”

A boundary is a line that separates one individual or space from another. Buddhism teaches us that we are not separate, that all humans, animals and the planet are dependent on one another. This is a basic truth, but in order for all aspects of the world to live in harmony, each needs to be nurtured and respected independently. 

It is possible to be kind to others, while still honoring our sacred space. It may take time and practice to balance the two, but eventually they can and will exist in concurrence. 

If a mother bear expends all of her energy striving to keep her cubs alive without tending to her needs, like eating and sleeping, she will die. 

It is not selfish to want or need time to “just be,” or to do things we enjoy, simply for the sake of feeling content and grounded. When our bodies are pushed to their limit, they shut down. At which point, we call into work and take a sick day. The same goes for our minds. We can sustain daily habits to maintain our center before crisis arises. 

Many people may fear that having time for themselves may seem self-centered or that there is not enough time in the day for self-care practices. While others may feel that if they set alone time on a consistent basis, that they might not be available for others as often. On the contrary, taking even a little time for yourself each day will help you to care for others more attentively and deeply. 

Start a daily ritual

Set fifteen to thirty minutes a day to do something for yourself that costs little to no money, like reading, meditating, writing, painting, yoga or walking. Turn your phone off, close your door at work or if you live with others, let them know that this is your special time and that you cannot be disturbed. Set this occasion when you are at your personal best, first thing in the morning, in the afternoon or later in the day when you are winding down.

If you are a parent it may take a while for your partner and child/children to understand that you need some alone time as well, especially if your children are young. Do not fail to start or give up your practice because of this. You can explain to them the importance of this ritual. It will be a positive experience to teach your children that you need some personal time and space so that they will honor this habit in their own lives as they grow up. This routine will also help you to recharge so that your partner can have personal space for themselves as well.

Express to others that, “you cannot,” or that “you cannot at that moment”

Sometimes we feel pulled in multiple directions at the same time. Like a favorite doll in a kindergarten class, it may seem as though there are clamp-like grips on each of our four limbs from work, family, friends or social duties. It feels nice to be needed, but not at the expense of our wellbeing. 

This is when the magic words, “I cannot,” or “I need to get back to you on that,” become vital and even empowering to express. Taking a step back from a situation and assessing where you would like to put your energy into is truly freeing. Once you have thought about it, express to the other person in a kind and direct manner that you cannot do something or that it needs to be done after you have finished a more pressing task. 

Steering clear of “burnout”

Recognizing and identifying when you are choosing to put certain situations and people above your needs is not an easy task. Sometimes we may feel drained after personal interactions and we are not sure why we feel the way that we do. In all actuality it could be as simple as a physiological issue like, we had less sleep the night before or perhaps we skipped lunch that day. However, if we notice a consistent feeling of “burnout” that stems from the same situation time and time again, perhaps we need to take a step back for a moment and gather a better view of the interactions that are causing these feelings. 

When another person consistently expects for you to meet their needs at the expense of yours, it is not a reciprocal relationship. Many people are so caught up with their lives that they may not even realize how their demands are affecting you. Anger, sadness or resentment may arise inward or outward once you reflect on the situation. It is okay to feel this way, however try not to get too caught up in those emotions, and just notice the patterns of your interactions without settling into blame. Reassessing the relationship from a distance, while practicing the previous step, “I cannot,” or “I need to get back to you on that,” will help you to establish a healthy boundary over time. 

Connecting to mind and body

Being aware of your thoughts, feelings and body sensations are key principles in mindfulness practices. The moment we are attentive to what is going on in our internal world, the more likely we will be mindful of the external world.  

Take a moment each day to do something you do routinely, like showering, eating or walking, but do it mindfully. Take each aspect of your actions and simply attempt to notice your thoughts, feelings and body sensations. Name each part in your mind as you experience it and then move onto the next step. Example: Thoughts – worrying or judging. Feelings – sad or content. Body sensations – tingling or warmth. If you feel more comfortable starting your observations with your feelings or body sensations, that is fine as well. 

Practice compassion for yourself and others

When we are kind to ourselves, we set a solid foundation for our worth and the for the lives of those around us. If we do not value what we think and feel, or honor our needs, our personal space can and will be disrupted. 

Perfectionism and critical self-talk are an epidemic in western culture. We can connect to mind and body by pausing and recognizing the patterns and nature of our negativity. In doing this, we can learn ways to limit our inner critic and shift the way we treat and view ourselves. 

Staying on track

Life is not consistent. At times we may feel that we are treading water at the surface, trying to keep our heads afloat. We can get caught up in putting our focus into the most pressing issue at hand, while forgetting what energizes us. Whether you are a caregiver or not, stress is bound to creep up sometimes. 

It is important to set mindful boundaries when it comes to who and what we allow into our sacred space. 

Having preferences does not make us less loving, it makes us human. 

Awareness is a pillar of mindfulness. We can love ourselves enough to love some people and situations from a healthy distance. In time we can choose what we accept and what we do not.

If we make a conscious effort to be aware of the situations that lead us to feel stressed or overwhelmed, we can maintain our center. Sure, there will be days that we forget to set aside time for ourselves, but we can always come back to our self-care regimen and start anew. The beauty of life is that it is unpredictable and messy. We are allowed to make mistakes, recognize them and create better habits to sustain a restorative flow. 

With practice we can learn to listen intently to the silence that encompasses our essential truth. In doing so, our intention will become clear, and it will lead our hearts to a place of peace and harmony. 

Photo Credit: Carles Rabada (Unsplash)

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