Some people find it difficult to fit in. They feel overwhelmed with the fear of Not Being “Normal”. Life coach Kortney Rivard explains what the Fear of Not Being “Normal” is really about and how to overcome it.
Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Be Afraid of Not Being “Normal”
Normal.
What is “normal”? Does such a thing really exist?
When my ex left me, one of the greatest devastations I experienced was the loss of what I thought to be normal. My family was no longer what I thought was the “gold standard”.
I struggled so much with this. I’d see normal families and cry. I’d have to leave church when I saw families sitting together in their pews, holding hands and looking at each other with the love I thought that only a normal family could possess. As a family portrait photographer, I struggled to photograph normal happy families.
I was angry and jealous.
What was normal to me, what worked for me, what I had dreamed of having, had been taken away from me.
Shortly after my ex-husband and I separated, a friend of mine told me that there is no such thing as normal and that I’d be much happier if I could let go of that notion.
At the time, I didn’t know how I could ever allow myself to lean into that concept, but now I agree.
Normal is something we make up to fit in. Of course, we have help from the media, society, our culture, and religion, among other things, but what we define as normal is subjective. And it can shift and change.
Normal is a bit dangerous. It keeps us in a cozy safe space where we can make sense of the world — a familiar place called your comfort zone. Outside this warm, safe space is uncertain, different, and scary.
Branching out into different is scary for people who cling to an idea of normal. It definitely was for me.
Normal separates us from each other. Even at an early age, kids sense difference. The kids that feel the same band together. Cliques and groups of “popular kids” are formed. Kids that have a weight problem, special needs, speech impediments, don’t dress the same, or don’t look the same are often excluded, or even bullied.
We separate ourselves from others when we judge people in comparison to our definition of normal. They vs. us. It’s a measuring stick we’ve learned to use without really questioning why as we’ve grown up.
Normal can separate us from ourselves too. We learn that there is a standard to strive for. That is our normal, and when we don’t measure up to that arbitrary measuring stick, we beat ourselves up.
Take body image as an example. For a very long time, the media has communicated to us in many different ways that thin is normal. White is normal. Beautiful is normal.
We see society’s view of normal as the ideal to strive for, so we create new standards and beat ourselves up in hopes our inner critic can function as a drill sergeant to whip us into shape so we can fit our warped definition.
Normal causes us to cling to the way things are at this moment if we are comfortable or compare ourselves if we are not.
Nothing in life is permanent though. My divorce process left me feeling groundless when normal no longer existed. I was so attached to the way things were — my normal — that when it was gone, I didn’t know how to function.
So where does our normal measuring stick come from?
Our definition of normal comes from the belief systems we have about ourselves and the world.
Beliefs are thoughts, opinions, and stories we have that we believe to be the truth. They become our truth. And we’ve never taken the time to question them.
The great majority of beliefs and stories form in childhood. Before the age of seven, we are not cognitively capable of discerning what we want to believe or not. We’re like a sponge, soaking up everything from the world around us and then recording and filing behaviors and ideas away as good and bad, normal, and different.
By the time we’re grown, and our brains are fully developed, these beliefs are well-entrenched. They now reside in our habit brain, where they run on autopilot, requiring much less energy than if we had to think about them all the time. And as a result, our brains learn what normal is to us. We sense and move away from what’s different and we gravitate toward what isn’t.
One of my favorite authors, Pema Chödrön, says that holding on to the way we think things should be, or the way we want things to be is what causes us to suffer. Nothing in life is fixed — neither the things we see as good nor the things we see as bad. Everything in life ebbs and flows.
This is impermanence.
Nothing is fixed, and no one is fixed. So, when we cling to a fixed idea of who we are, it cripples us.
Chances are, there is something in your life you see as normal. Whether it’s that you see yourself, or something about yourself as normal and you feel like you belong or you see something outside of yourself as normal and you feel different.
The key to feeling grounded in life is to be able to accept what is. To be able to embrace the concept of non-attachment… that your normal situation may not always exist as it does now.
To accept that there is no normal, just different, we need to learn to make peace with our stories, challenge our belief systems, practice gratitude and open ourselves to the possibility that difference is not bad.
We start by making peace with our stories.
If we begin to surrender to and acknowledge our storylines and then work to drop them and just experience the messiness behind them, we can start to realize that these stories are just that — stories we’ve made up about ourselves, others, and the world. When we make peace with this, we can open ourselves to the possibility of writing new stories.
Next, we must take our stories and beliefs that we’re now aware of and challenge them. For each belief you have about normal, ask yourself is it true? Is it actually a fact? Can it be proven in a court of law?
Or is it just what you’ve become accustomed to, or what you’re attached to? Is it a belief that keeps you rooted firmly in your comfort zone?
Also, ask yourself how that your storyline is serving you. Is it trying to protect you from something? Maybe judgment, failure, or criticism?
While the brain is amazing, it isn’t always smart enough to discern danger that is real from what is artificial. In other words, sometimes it’s quite simply not helpful. In today’s world, standing out from the crowd, while it may be uncomfortable, isn’t usually life-threatening like it may have been thousands of years ago.
Ask yourself what the cost of keeping the belief is. What beliefs about normal do you have that don’t appear to be harmful to you? What beliefs about normal keep you separate and divided from other cultures, races, religions, social circles, etc.? How do you talk to yourself and care for yourself as a result of your beliefs?
We must also practice gratitude for everything in our lives, whether it fits our definition of normal or not.
What can you appreciate about what’s different whether it’s in yourself or in others? Is there anything about your idea of normal that holds you back?
For example, if you have an idea of what a normal body is, but your body doesn’t fit that standard, what about your body are you grateful for?
Finally, it’s important to open yourself to the possibility that this space outside of what you’re used to as normal might serve you in some way or have some benefit.
For example, let’s say you’re at a conference, and the majority of the group is extroverted. You’re very uncomfortable because you are very introverted. You feel like you don’t fit in, but then you meet a couple of other introverts with who you can be totally authentic with and you become great long-term friends. Opening yourself to the possibility that not being in the majority crowd might open doors for you pays off.
Ask yourself often, is it possible this deviation from normal could be for the best?
Is it possible that deviating from my rigid idea of “normal” has benefits?
Is it possible that there is good in this that I can’t see … yet?
Remember, your definition of normal is relative. And your normal isn’t always best. And when you let whether or not you measure up to your definition of normal determine your self-worth, you’re giving your power away.
When you can rewrite your story of normal and open yourself to the possibility that there really is no such thing, your life will be so much richer.
Featured Image: Photo by Dan Meyers on Unsplash
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